erinlorraine

06:04 pm: write a bitch about it....
I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall. This week has been a terrible terrible week. Full of stress and just lots and lots of shit.
I hate my job... to the point where I'm thinking about quitting...but I can't afford to quit. I need this room and board thing...

And then i think about the things Im so upset about, and I think maybe I'm overreacting... so then I just feel worse.

Larry is up here. Everytime that happens, I get thrown into a mood.... its like his very presence on this campus alters my whole world. This is my space.....why the fuck does he have to invade it.

It's upsetting.

and Ashley never said a god damn word. she knew he was coming...she gave him the fucking directions, and she didnt say a fucking word bout it. who does that. freaken bitch.

oh and i hate my boss. hes an asshole.

baahhhhhhh im so moody and feeling terrible.

i hate this week. i want to crawl into bed and sleep and let this all past.

01:12 pm: and today I love...



Rootless Tree
by Damien Rice


what i want from you
is empty your head
they say be true,
don't stain your bed
we do what we need to be free
and it leans on me
like a rootless tree
what i want from us
is empty our minds
we fake a fuss
and fracture the times
we go blind
when we've needed to see
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around

what i want from this
is learn to let go
no not of you
of all that's been told
killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out...
and fuck you, fuck you, i love you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out...
it's hell when you're around

09:29 pm: what I love today


Damien Rice: Cannonball


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
and I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..
stones taught me to fly
and love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

09:27 pm: he makes me feel...

09:25 pm: lost again
Of course this happens. I stop writing about him. I stop thinking about him everyday. I start hanging out with other guys, thinking that maybe I can actually feel something for somebody else again..
It's like he knew. It seriously feels like he knew I was getting over him finally, after 2 months of feeling like shit, 2 months of thinking, maybe perhaps some things were my fault, two months of trying to tell myself, it's him and not me... I finally start to be me again.
and he decides he wants to come back into my life.
He tells me he's sorry, he doesnt know why he reacted the way he did the night of the fight, he says... "i dont like to answer questions about my past, i don;t know why.... and you love to ask questions... i don't know... i'm stupid... i love you, so I should have just answered the questions"

*sigh*

the last thing I needed to hear was that he loves me still.

he tells me he thinks about me all the time, he said he tried to forget...the first month he said he thought he was happy without me, but he realized he wasnt, and that he misses me and wants me and blah blah blah

yes it's nice to hear. it's what i've wanted to hear for 2 months. that he loves me, that he thinks he cant live without me...


but i dont want to be with him..... i cant be with him. it's like he's two different people.

one minutes he's telling me nice things and we are having a great conversation.....then he starts being an ass, thinking he's making jokes..

within an hour of this conversation of him telling me he misses me and stuff he says

"i want to fuck you so bad"

what a beautiful statement....who does that... who fucks up the way he did, says the things he said about me, and then when he's trying to "win me back" says shit like that.

larry does.

which makes me think, how the hell did i ever date him, or think that i loved him.

how could i ever love someone who says in the middle of a serious conversation "well yeah, you know i dated you because you have amazing boobs"

who does that shit.

but still. i dont just ignore him. i dont stop answering calls, or not respond to him IMs.

I sit there, and I talk to him.... hanging on to that little piece of him that I actually like and miss......that very little piece..

I almost wish he had found someone new, that he had gotten over me......so
I could have continued on my path of disliking him and getting over him...

but he threw a wrench in my plans.

I know i dont want him back... i know it. I Wont go back into a relationship like that whhere I was often upset. I cant do it to myself, no matter how much I miss certain aspects of our relationship... my friends would fucking kill me...

my mom would kill me after i told her how upset and how broken down I was after larry and I had that fight...

but why cant i stop talking to him.

i like the attention. i like being told how beautiful i am, i like that he wants me....

but i am toying with him......which makes me feel like a bad person. he thinks that he has a chance with me...

but i will never date him again.

i need to stop talking to him though. first love never goes away right? no matter how stupid and blind it was....
when i talk to him... i remember the good things.....

its not until later when i remember all the bad.

08:28 pm: sigh
I see something in him...that is in my dad...
something that bugs me about my dad, that has been the cause of many fights between my mom and my dad... whether i like it or not... I'm a lot like my mom..

he is to nice...


some may say, how can you be to nice? but you can. you are to nice. when you cant say no. when all you care about is pleasing other people...by that i mean people besides your family...

my dad will put other people before his family, just because he cant say no... he will do something for strangers before something for his wife or kids...


it seems like Larry is like that. the other night we were kind of arguing... and paul called and he immediately went down there because paul needed him...we were arguing...we were upset... and he just left..to go help paul...

putting other people before me...


is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life?

11:58 am: i love him
i love him.

fuck everyone who thinks i've changed.

i love him. and he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I'm done trying to explain myself. I'm done trying to be careful and make such an effort with you people that it's ridiculous.

I accept you. I accept you when you are in a relationship. I accept you when you are single.

I was there for you when somebody else was the most important person in your life.
When all you could talk about was him....


If you cant accept me now....

maybe we arnt meant to be friends.
maybe you arnt the person I thought you were.

I'm tired of being the person that is always there for you no matter what, but you arnt there for me.
I'm tired of being the person you will use, and never pay back.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to be with the person I love.

I never questioned you. So why are you questioning me?

Well I've thought about it...and I tried changing...

But I won't anymore.
I am who I am... with or without him.

I'm sorry you arnt the only people in my life anymore.

just fucking grow up.

05:03 pm: fuck it
I am tired. Tired of people taking their frustrations out on me. Tired of trying to come up with reasons for my behavior, that should have been understood.
Tired of caring. Tired of wanting to work on a friendship and keep a friendship that somebody obviously doesnt care as much as I do about.

Tired of being sad. Tired of explaining myself. Tired of feeling bad about spending time with other people. Tired of feeling like I am being used. Tired of being pissed about fucking books and money.

Tired of feeling bad for spending time with my boyfriend, when other people did the exact same fucking thing.

Tired of the one word responses. Tired of being shut out.

Tired of feeling like its my fault.





This is not a good day.
Im emotionally exhausted.
I want to sleep for a week, without any interuptions.


I dont want anymore drama.
I dont want anymore tears.
I am done crying over you...over him... over my situation... over school...over the job.

I am just done.

02:42 am: give me strength
I don't know how I am going to do it this summer. Going home to a house where everyone is constantly mad at each other. What I liked most abouut being away...was not dealing with the shit.

09:46 pm: time
time... it seems like there is never enough time. it seems like he is always busy...always studying..always doing something...

would I be able to be with someone...who didn't make time for me? Would he make time for me...would I expect him to make more time for me?


Maybe what I need is someone who isnt so busy...someone who had time for me...

But what I want is him...

Time will tell if this could work...

oh that time thing...

03:34 am: oh tonight. was fabulous. i danced with robert. he asked me to dance...a slow dance... and i then got a little twirl at the end and it was beautiful haha.

i like this boy...

god i like this boy and some nights i just want it to stop, and then when i think that, i decide, i never want it to stop. i love the way i feel when i'm with him...

i like this boy..

02:02 am: this is me
• I once thought my life would be better if my parents got a divorce
• I’m still not entirely sure that is untrue
• I get upset at people I care about, and sometimes I don’t even know the reason why
• I like a boy a lot, but I am afraid to tell him
• I know that I should, and I know the answer to “What is the worst thing that could happen”
• I still cant bring myself to do it
• i love college, but I sometimes wish I was at home and I don’t know why
• whenever I am at home, I hate it there
• my grandma fortune died when I was in the 10th grade and I was sad for awhile
• my grandpa harris died 3 weeks ago, and I was absolutely devastated
• my grandpa never told me he loved me out loud, and it used to bother me
• in the past two years, I realized he didn’t have to say it… the way he smiled when I came through the door, and the way he talked about me to other people, made me know he loved me and was proud
• I don’t like how my family doesn’t say they love each other, and aren’t into hugs
• My mom often makes me feel inadequate
• I don’t know if she knows how much her words have hurt me
• I was always jealous of how other girl’s moms told them they were beautiful, even if they really weren’t…
• In the back of my mind, I know my mom isn’t happy with herself, so therefore its hard for her to find someone who looks just like her, to be beautiful/pretty
• I think my mom is beautiful, i think she looks younger than she really is, when she smiles
• Sometimes I hate myself…. And think that I will never be happy
• My mom’s mom died before I was born
• I always call her my mom’s mom
• She was bipolar……. She was put on tranquilizers, and was put in the psych ward for awhile
• I think my mom suffers from depression
• Two of my cousins on my mom’s side have been treated for depression
• I am scared….that it is in me….that I am bipolar… and I am scared, that one day it might take over completely
• But then sometimes I think that I have this awareness about it, so I wont let it happen
• Sometimes I just want the excuse “it’s in my genes”
• I don’t understand how my brothers and I are so different
• It amazes me that people raised the exact same way by the same parents, can be so totally different
• I wish my brothers wanted something more in life
• Sometimes I feel like my brothers think I am a snob
• I’ve cried because my brothers have called me a bitch
• That isn’t the worse they have ever called me
• I think I am a good singer
• I get jealous when people are really good singers, but then are great at like a million other things to
• Sometimes I worry I wont get a job
• Sometimes I worry I will get an awesome job, but never have a family
• I am absolutely terrified of having twins
• My mother had fraternal twins, which are genetic
• I have this thing about twins…. I just don’t like them, childhood trauma at its best
• I havnt been skinny since 1st grade, and I hate that
• I had my first solo in kindergarten, and I will always love Ms Oneil for giving me that
• I wanted to be a professional singer from kindergarten until the 6th grade
• In 6th grade I realized, I would never be a singer because I didn’t have the right image
• When I think back on that now, it makes me sad I realized that when I was 11…
• I havnt changed my mind about what I want to do all that much : singer, fashion designer, accountant, lawyer, advertising, music business (only 7 things!!)
• I don’t like the fact that my first year of college has flown by
• My life has not gone as planned so far, makes me think the rest wont either
• I used to think I would be a cheerleader at 16, and party all the time
• That didn’t happen
• Not that disappointed now
• My favorite song has been Iris, since the 7th grade
• I don’t know why it happened…..but I do know how it makes me feel everytime I listen to, and that song has been there through a lot
• How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye, will make me cry everytime I hear it.
• It was played at my grandma’s funeral
• I smoked pot once, it was this past new year’s……..and I am pissed at myself for that
• I always said I would never smoke anything, anything at all….and my brothers and cousin just smiled and said “wait and see”
• I am so PISSED they were right
• I don’t like to be wrong
• I am trying to learn guitar
• I think my instructor hates me, I feel incompetent
• I used to hate the color pink, I now adore it
• I hate it when I am called “Scene”
• I don’t know why it bugs me so much
• I’ve never had a boyfriend for more than 3 days
• Sometimes I wonder how certain people have had boyfriends, and I havnt
• In that aspect, I thought college would be different….and it hasn’t been
• In junior high I thought about suicide, but knew I would be to scared to ever do it
• I have an overactive imagination
• I think morbid thoughts sometimes such as “if I were to die in my dorm room, I wonder who would be the first 2 find me”
• I think that’s weird, and it scares me that I think like that
• Sometimes I worry that I am not a good enough friend to people I care about
• I wish I could do other people’s hair for them
• I’m just not good at it
• I am afraid of being alone
• I am afraid of not being loved
• I know that I have friends that love me
• That isn’t the love I am talking about, although that love means a lot to me
• I like being drunk to much
• I am scared of being drunk, because it reminds me of what I hate in my dad
• I hate saying that…….what I hate in my dad, but it’s true
• My father is an alcoholic
• He has never hit any member of my family
• He has never verbally abused anyone in my family while drunk
• But it still has affected me
• I can count on one hand, the number of times my father attended any concert/play/performance I was in
• I have had solos at, at least 20 concerts, and I think my father has seen 2 of those
• It always bothered me, and I don’t think anyone realized how much
• I feel he was an absentee father
• We used to go on vacation, without him…….because he worked all the time
• I hated when he worked all the time, even though he used to make more money
• When work got slow, everyone hated how he didn’t work…….even though it wasn’t his fault
• I still cant figure out why I was so angry at my father for so long
• I used to feel my father was an idiot, for not finishing high school….
• I still don’t feel 100% different about my father, but in the last 3 years I have come a long way
• I am sure I have made my father feel bad, but I don’t think he would ever say it
• In the 9th grade I was invited to a special dinner for getting over a 3.5 GPA and it was a really big honor, I got two invitations…. I invited my mom, and mrs Parker…. (not my dad)
• I feel bad about that to this day, even though I invited him the next 3 years
• I was so angry, I felt….. he wasn’t involved in any other part of my life, why should he be involved in that…..
• I was an angry girl…… sometimes I still think I am
• My neighbor mrs parker, was like the grandma I always wanted
• She didn’t have to love me, but she did…. And does…..and everytime I see her, she tells me, and she hugs me, and I know it
• I wish my real grandma would have been like that when she was alive
• She wasn’t
• I wasn’t close to her, but I now wish I would have tried harder…..
• I want a grand prix, I love to drive them
• I want to feel pretty
• I know every girl says this, no matter what they look like
• All of my friends are always pretty….. I have never had an ugly friend…. I don’t know why this is
• I always feel like I am the least attractive
• But I love my friends, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything
• I love to scrapbook
• Some people think it’s a waste of time, and a waste of money, I think those people are dumb
• I love karaoke
• I tell certain friends a lot about myself, but I don’t think I have told one person, absolutely everything
• I hide a lot of things, a lot of thoughts
• Sometimes I think a shrink would help
• I miss high school, people probably think I am crazy
• I loved being important…. I loved people talking about how hard I worked, because I did work hard for student council, and loved every minute of it
• Being Yale High School’s Outstanding Senior was probably the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, thus far
• I love the movie slacker’s
• i love my dorm room
• i have a shopping problem, I can admit that
• I wish I had a job
• I worry about money a lot
• My eye twitches when I am stressed, and I hate it
• My eye has been twitching all week….. and it’s not getting better
• I love taking pictures of people
• I usually hate how I look in pictures
• I want a 4.0 this semester, and it’s looking like it will happen
• I love a boy, but I am not “in love” with him… I never understood that statement until 2 months ago
• I want kids eventually
• I want a husband
• When I have a husband, I still want to go on dates (with him)
• I never ever ever ever want a divorce
• I never have been able to understand women who stay in abusive relationships
• I cant comprehend the reason why people don’t want to go to college
• I don’t understand why people don’t wont to go away to college
• I don’t think I am better than people who go to community college, but I do sometimes feel bad for them
• I know that my choices arnt right for everybody
• I miss my cousin Kaicee because we are more like sisters
• I sometimes worry about her and her “relationship”
• I used to put her up on this pedestal and didn’t want her to know about “Bad” things I did
• I can now tell her everything, and I love that
• i worry that I am going to be like my mom
• I love her, but I don’t want to be like her
• I don’t want to make my daughter feel the way I felt….
• I want to encourage my children in everything they want and do, from day one
• My mom did not want me to go away to college
• My mom did not think I would
• My mom did not realize I was serious….. until I had all my forms filled out, and basically got my first bill….. which, fortunately I was able to take care of all by myself
• I am proud to say, I got to college on my own….. I found a way
• My expected family contribution last year was 12,000 something, this year it is 5,000 something
• My family has had a really bad year……
• My family has never had “enough” money
• My parents have always lived pay check to pay check
• And now they cant even do that
• My parents have amazing amounts of debt
• I don’t want to end up that way
• My parents arent bad people…..they arnt lazy… shit happens, and you just get deeper and deeper in
• I would never think of marrying anyone who wasn’t college educated
• I realize this comes off as snobby
• But I am afraid of financial insecurity
• I realize, being college educated doesn’t equal money, just leave me alone!!
• I check up on people using facebook and myspace
• I just kind of stopped talking to a girl from high school…..the final reason I did, wasn’t a good reason……but she did a lot of shit to me prior…..that I never got over, I just never did anything about it during jrhigh/highschool
• It bothers me that I still cant forget it
• I know I should move on, but sometimes………you just cant forget
• I don’t like to be judged
• I miss my friends from high school, even though I love my friends at college
• I am attracted to semi-geeky guys….. and I love it
• I like my hair, always have
• My teeth used to be really jacked up, and I hate seeing pictures of that
• I don’t have very many
• It’s 2am… I have an accounting test tomorrow, but I cant sleep
• I sometimes suffer from self diagnosed insomnia
• I am a MTV junky
• I could go on for hours, but I am going to quit

01:38 am: him
the thing that seperates Kyle from any other guy that I have ever had any type of relationship with... friendships or otherwise.... would be the way we can talk to each other.

The things that Kyle and I talk about, would be so hard for me to talk about with anyone else....girl or guy.
I tell him absolutly everything.
We talk about our fears......we talk about what we want in a marriage..... about kids..about everything.

sometimes when we are talking... i just want to say... i love you... but i dont... because we dont do that anymore. we dont say it anymore.

it makes it harder. cause we arnt together. cause we probably wont be. we are in two totally different stages of our lives right now. we always have been...and until i'm done with college...which isnt for at least 3 more years...we will still be.

we dont say i love you anymore.. because it only lead to us acknowledging that we both wanted to be together, and then realizing it is just not possible at this point in time.

funny how life is like that.

You find this person, that like.... i dunno he isnt even that perfect person you know?
he isnt the guy that i always thought i wanted....

he isnt as social as i am, he isnt into music.. he doesnt sing, he doesnt play any instrument...he doesnt write, he isnt overly romantic...

he isnt what i thought i wanted. i wasnt expecting him. i cant name 100 reasons why we should be together...

but he does listen. he does make me laugh. he does make me feel sexy. he does make me smile. he does make me love him even more everytime i talk to him, or even every time he sends me a random text message during the day...



And then, i start to realize.... it would never work. it will never work. we arnt meant to be togther. we are meant, to be friends..... to hear about each other's lives.......to share everything.....to occasionally wonder what could have been if only we gave it a go...... but we will never be.

he was what i would call "my first love". and yes, i will always love him. but the love has grown, and then changed... it has been transformed into this great love, of friendship

he isnt the one. and i think..... i finally know that.
i have come to terms with that.

oh there are still times when i think, oh maybe i could be happy with kyle....

but in my heart i know... he isnt the one.

i dont know if i should be happy about that, or sad.

11:51 pm: why do i do this
so today i was sitting around and thinking. and that is never a good thing.

i was thinking.... maybe the thing with the boy, will never work out...maybe it's all fruitless. maybe we will just be friends forever.. just friends.

is that so bad. being his good friend?

when i was talking to autumn over break i said ... you know he either likes me as more than a friend, or considers me his best girl friend here..

is being the best friend so bad?

i guess it is when you want more.

and i do. i want more.


i hate it....how i am always just the friend. they always say "erin you are such a good friend, you are a great girl"

then why dont i get the guy? why do these guys, who say i'm such a great girl.......go out with other girls.

why cant i have more.

blah this is me complaining and being all emo.

and i cant stand that even more than being upset over a boy.




sometimes i wish that i wouldnt care so much. i wish i could just sit back, enjoy friendships as they are, and just wait, wait for once....for someone to jjust walk into my life.
i need to just let it happen. stop trying to make it happen with someone because i want it to...

03:43 pm: Spring Break.... was what I thought it would be.

It wasnt a horrible horrible time.

But the death of my grandpa did loom over the week. As I knew it would. As the week went on, it got better....it got less weird to be sitting in his house with my uncles, talking like nothing had happened.

Looking at pictures... seeing him, missing him.

Feeling guilty when I went out with friends, because I thought maybe I shouldnt be happy right now, maybe I shouldnt be having fun because he is gone....

But then understanding, that time goes on, and just because he is gone, doesnt mean I cant ever be happy and have fun. I cant stop living my life because he is gone. And just because I am smiling, and not crying...does not mean I am not thinking about him, that I'm not missing him...

Cause I do. I miss him.

It was weird. Being home. Being at his house. And not seeing him. I didnt really like it.

But I suppose I will get used to it. Used to it, but I will never forget.

01:37 pm: going home today...
i have a feeeling this is going to be a very hard week

well... if you are a friend back home.
give me a call sometime cause i will be home and lonely 810-247-1235

if you are a friend from ferris, still call... it's nice to hear from friends.


i hope i see rob before he leaves. it's gonna be a tough week without seeing him at all!!

12:19 am: i wish i could sleep.

i really want to.

i didnt see the boy today, that made me even more sad.

i talked to sammi though...she made me feel better. she knows what i am going through , she's been here. she said she was going to go to the memorial with me...she brought it up herself. that makes me feel really good.

when my grandma died 3 years ago, none of my friends were there. i hope she does go.....because it will help me.
it's going to be hard.
i was close to him.
god i wish i would have been able to see him.... the last time i saw him, was christmas time. i hate that.

09:23 pm: not real
it still doesnt feel real. i hate that about death. you hear about it...it has happened. you cry. and then you do stuff just like nothing ever happened.

life goes on.

i dont like that. life is different. he is gone.

i hate the just, going back to everyday life. it is different. he is gone.

my heart hurts.

he didnt get my letter before he died. i wish he would have gotten my letter. i wish he could have had that, one more "i love you" from me.

cause i did. i loved him.

he was so funny. always doing and saying stuff that would piss mom off, or just get on her nerves. but she loved him. you couldnt help but love my grandpa.

he had these pens made...with his name and address. he would pass them out whereever he went. he used to go to coney island for breakfast all the time, all the waitresses knew him, and probably had about 10 of his pens.

i wonder if they will miss him. i wonder if they will notice he doesnt come in anymore. will they miss him? will they miss the pens?

one thing i will never be able to do, without thinking about grandpa, ever again.... go down by the lake, the boardwalk in port huron.... down by the bridge.
he loved it down there, he used to go down and sit in his car, just watching freighters go by, taking pictures, passing the time.


i want to go home. but i dont.

as soon as i go home, and see everyone.... it is going to be so much more real.

when i am here, i can pretend its not true.

11:57 pm: my grandpa died today.


i am drinking.

10:59 am: you are driving me crazy. what is your problem?